Pre-Reunion preparation (4 weeks before event): Gear up emotionally by asking husband to attend. After he agrees, periodically check to see if he wants to change mind. Tell him about old boyfriends in effort to invoke jealous streak. Come to terms with fact he has no jealous streak. Concentrate on weeks-long hair preparation and weight control instead. Now, am properly geared up for high school mentality. Consider coloring graying hair. Remember high school was in 60’s. Start going without bra. Cancel hair appointment. Call for Hilton reservations. Ignore husband saying rent used VW bus – cheaper, authentic. F— that. Need good facilities.
Pre-Reunion preparation (2 weeks before event): Diet going poorly. But – less wrinkles if slightly chubby! Start nail therapy, still trying to repair damage from 12 months earlier from scrubbing mother-in-law’s roasting pan at her house after cooking very own famous pork chops with BBQ sauce. Note to self: Remember aluminum foil next time feel smug about showing off ability to cook a meal. Ignore need to please. Nails always more important than misguided domesticity.
Pre-Reunion preparation (2 days before): Take family out for Thanksgiving dinner due to upcoming road trip to reunion and renewed affirmation to never, ever again being kitchen slave girl. Begin packing. Impress husband with uncharacteristic, very light packing. Make silent vow to stop nagging husband regarding is he sure he wants to go and does he remember about packing socks and dress clothes and…Note to self: Concentrate only on own packing. Bring comfy skirt with expandable waist and draped long sweater to create illusion apparently just stepped out of Adams family. Plan to arrive late enough that others are en route to intoxication.
Reunion notes: Once at reunion, find that must wear glasses to see, ruining look completely, in mentally adolescent brain. See that many women much younger-looking than self. Feel short, feel fat, feel happy wore bra after all, enjoy old boyfriends who say never should have broken up. Now feeling totally 15 again. Offer pieces of paper napkin as faux earplugs to husband who complains of noise every five minutes after entering banquet hall. Eat lightly, enjoy friends, allow husband to go to car to sleep, after first hour. Post-reunion, 1 a.m., back at hotel: Kiss husband goodnight, promise everything as payback, go to front desk, get directions to vending machines. Cheese popcorn, Fritos, diet Pepsi. Remember afterward brought healthy apple from home in tote bag.
Day after reunion: Go into city, see relatives, report on reunion, eat pizza and pumpkin chiffon pie with real whipped cream at sister’s. Back at hotel, celebrate good time. Leftover pizza, cold but still good. Read book. Let husband snore without nudging him.
Driving home Monday: Do not understand why jeans so tight, cutting off circulation and necessitating change of clothes at Starbucks half way home. Once able to walk again and after buying expensive coffee drinks for self and husband, discuss reunion. Say old steady boyfriend is still cute in effort to stir small sense of male possessiveness. Take deep breath after husband agrees old boyfriend very cute. Resist urge to hurt him, as he is driver and fat, lazy, graying self just wants to finish good book in car and sip Starbucks in peace.
Home: Give husband hugs, feeling very happy he is mate. Dream of next reunion. Note to self: Have five years to get in shape, order pair of real earplugs, and keep hands out of greasy roasting pans.
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